You Musn't Be Afraid to Dream a Little Bigger, Darling!

I don't know about you, but I got dreams. Big ones.

Six months ago I didn't know where my life was going. Actually, that's not entirely true. I knew where my life was going because I had decided it wasn't going to go anywhere. I had decided to let a broken heart steal every last bit of faith and hope in my own self that I had left. I had given up on myself, my dreams, and life itself.

And, then I found myself on a plane back to Wisconsin. The very last place in the world that I wanted to be, yet the very place I needed to be.

Do you have any idea how much gumption it takes to say, "I need to be where I don't want to be, so I can get where I'm going?" Yeah, I didn't either. But, now I do. Nobody in their right mind wants to start out on a journey of a lifetime following their heart, and then turn end up taking three steps and a gigantic leap backwards. I moved to South Carolina, and ended up back in my childhood bedroom two months later (side note: I miss having my place, my own things, and my own routine)....it was literally the most depressing time of my life. I went from having such hope in my future and faith in my ability to do everything I had dreamed of. But, coming home only helped me realize I wasn't doing what I dreamed of. What I was doing was a revised version of my dream to suit someone else. What kind of life is that?!

Here I stand, six months later, embarking on a new path (still in the same direction-south!) but completely paved by my own dreams and goals and the only person who has the ability to stand in my way is myself.

I've had to do a lot of soul-searching, refurbishing of my faith, and "closet-cleaning," in the last six months. I have learned to let go of so much that I was allowing to weigh me down-which has turned out to be one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn. I had to pick myself up and decide that enough was enough and I was deserving of so much more than I had accepted. I had to learn which relationships were no longer worth suffering over, which jobs weren't right for me, and what love I had to forgive. I had to learn how to say "no" with apologizing or explaining myself. I never realized how much relief one simple word can bring to the mind, but it has saved my sanity.

I have rediscovered my Faith in God and learned to trust His plan for me. There was days when I felt angry, and alone. Why would He make me go through so much? I didn't understand it. And, then I remembered that the teacher is always silent during the test. His plan wasn't for me to go through and keep going through it. His plan was for me to end up where I am-back in His arms where I belong. The very place I needed to be.



In seven months I will be right back where I was a year ago-but this time I won't be right back where I was. Geographically, yes. Emotionally, spiritually, educationally, financially, and relationally-I will be 180 degrees from where I was a year ago. For those of you that haven't been updated, or don't know the on-goings of my life here it is:

1) While I've been home (as in sucking up my pride and living with my parents who have graciously not charged me rent) I have managed to buy a new vehicle (a 2004 Saturn Vue) with no loans from the bank or any help from my parents. For the first time I own a vehicle that is in great condition, is reliable, is spacious, and is all mine. Paid in full. BOOM!

2) I have four jobs. Granted, they aren't in my career field, but they pay my bills and I enjoy them. Which leads me to number three.

3) I have paid off all debts with the exception of my student loans. I'm working on that part. But, to know that besides my car insurance and phone bill every month I owe no money to any other person.

4) By the Grace of God I have risen above what was the darkest of my days and I remember what it was like to not only believe in myself, but love myself.

5) I have renewed my Faith in God.  I had stopped going to church, I had stopped praying and I had stopped living a life that included Him. But, now I live my life for Him and through Him. I trust in His plan for me. I'm still working on the going to church on the regular, but I have started reading the Bible again, reading a daily devotional and praying like my momma taught me.

6) I have completely changed my health and eating habits. I now follow a Paleo lifestyle (as best I can-I'm still human and I still love chocolate!) and I exercise daily. I have never felt so healthy and alive! I look forward to going to the gym, and I love trying new foods, now!

7) I am applying to the University of South Carolina in Columbia, South Carolina. Applications are due by March 1st and I still have to take the GRE (February 12th to be exact), but I have a good feeling about it! I had swore I would never go to graduate school but I have since realized that it is exactly what I wanted to do!

8) And, after graduate school I want to join the United States Air Force as a commissioned officer and practice social work! My program is 11 months long and I hope to some how land an internship working with the military since this is where I'd like to focus my career, but we shall see! I will have 11 months to decide if joining the Air Force or simply working as a civil servant in the Air Force is the route for me. (I'm trying very hard to not plan too far in advance-I've learned from experience plans don't always work out. Ha!)

9) I have renewed friendships. I have learned the hard way what losing a friend feels like; what distance and change of lives can do to two people that were once so close. I care so dearly for my friends, and I am grateful for the opportunity to renew several friendships that mean so much to me.

10) And, yes  this all means I am moving back to South Carolina! I was raised in Wisconsin, in a tiny town that has such love for everyone in it but I don't belong here. Not right now, anyways. I will be moving back south come August in time for school. I will be able to have my own apartment right away, and I'll have my own car with me (the one that is spacious enough to move what very little belongings I have!). And I will be in the sunshine and near the beach and on my own adventure!

But, most importantly of all I am following MY dreams. I may have been detoured and road-blocked, and turned around a few more times than I initially planned but it's all gotten me to the place that I am at. Happy. So incredibly, and abundantly happy that I am bursting with joy! I have a dream, I have a plan (a pretty solid one at that), and my hope and Faith restored!

While my dreams have taken me a little longer to come alive, I am thankful for the lessons this journey has taught me and I am thankful for who I am and look forward to what I am capable of becoming.

Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future."

-Michelle